Mother died today, Or maybe yesterday. I don't know.

I'm not really sure how to say this, because I'm not really sure how I feel.
My Nana died on Monday, I think.

I feel removed and deeply affected.

As my nana lay dying, I dreamt of her death.
Dad didn't call me until Tuesday, as he only found out Monday night, and he didn't want me to lose sleep.
I didn't answer his phone call because I didn't want to hear what he had to say.
I didn't want to know.
I still kind of wish I didn't know.
She's the first person I've lost.
And the thought of my entire overseas family trying to exist without her breaks my heart.

I wrote her a letter, telling her I loved her and that I am doing well.
that was probably the most difficult thing I've ever had to write.
what do you write in a letter to a dying woman?

I still love her.
but I don't feel so well, anymore.